Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What. The. Fuck.” I can explain.
The Solendon, which, at first glance, appears to be some sort of anteater mole hybrid birthed from the mind of Tim Burton, is actually a jolly little Cuban creature.
Boots the Monkey, eat your heart out, amiright?
The Solenodon looks so cute. It looks so pocket sized and manageable. Kind of like a hedgehog but fluffier and sporting a permanent loving and dolphin-like smile.
And hey, here’s another fun fact you may not have realized, that smile is loaded with
kisses FUCKING LETHAL VENOM.
I am not even joking. It emits venom through it’s teeth similar to the way a rattlesnake would. Not only that, but apparently it’s on its period 24/7 because it is extremely irritable all the time, and it does not hesitate to bite. Reconsidering this as a pet option?
Everyone thought they were extinct, until scientists discovered a few in 2003. They were found in a cave and plotting our demise.
There is something to appreciate about a rare and venomous mammal like this, and I’m always grateful for things that eat insects. Some BBC researchers went Solenodon hunting last summer, and found out that Solenodons smell musty, like an old drape or a pocket, they like quiet alone time, and they enjoy trying to bite and scratch BBC people.
It really is kind of cool because they’re quite ancient, and haven’t really evolved. They look the same as they did when they were chilling with dinosaurs 76 million years ago.
REMEMBER: Their venom is not deadly to humans, just unpleasant. So if you see one, feel free to give into your temptation. Surrender to it’s sweet little face and cuddle it up and love it. Just double bag yourself and it will probably be okay*.
*In some instances the following may occur
Bread is perhaps the most classic of foods,
Jesus broke it, we have it in different ways at different occasions. We have it with soup, spreads, and fill up on it before meals at restaurants. There’s rye bread
, Challah bread (SO good, thank you Jewish people) , and probably lots of other breads.
All this time while bread is basking in glory, off in a lonely fruit stand corner, or perhaps sitting atop some elaborate tropical headgear, there is the banana.
To whoever decided these two food items would make a good couple, you are a genius, and you will make me fat.
BUT NOT WITH THIS KIND! There’s no butter OR oil, cause it’s all healthy ‘n’ shit – but still delicious.
This version is fun, colourful, and inventive. It will be as if original banana bread had a sexy second cousin named Blueberry, and maybe they do things at night because they’re not blood related, so there’s a chance their offspring will turn out okay.
STEP 1: LET BANANAS GET DISGUSTING
classic banana bread requires for you to use bananas as black as a night sky in the wilderness, or like a banana that has been sitting out too long.
STEP 2: MASHY TIME
Combine 2 eggs with 3 disgusting bananas and MASHY!
In another bowl, combine 2 cups of flour, a teaspoon of salt, 3/4 cup white sugar, and a teaspoon of baking soda….
STEP 3: PUT THE GOO IN THE FLUFF
By the way, you should have pre-heated the oven to 350 degrees like 10 minutes ago…
Dump the banana-egg mixture into the flour mixture.
This mix can get a little dry
with the whole, no oil thing, so add 1/4 cup of milk if you’re feelin it.
STEP 4: GET CREATIVE
Now, rebel against the standard rules of banana bread. This part of the procedure is the PARTY. Make your banana bread like a fucking pinata if you want!
Don’t let tradition hold you back, you can add stuff like cinnamon, nutmeg, applesauce, walnuts, other nuts, something crazy like coconut, I added blueberries AND chocolate chips
Now, if you want muffins, pour into a buttered muffin pan, if you want bread, pour into a bread pan, aaaand oven it up for 20-30 minutes.
I chose muffins.
STEP 5: OPTIONAL DECOR
Stick a toothpick in to make sure it comes out clean and they aren’t mush in the centers. When your muffins are done and your house smells amazing, you may or may not wish to add decoration to the tops before they cool. I used Banana Chips.
It was a good choice.
NOT to be confused with The Dog Janitor, which is a company that cleans your dog shit. This is much different. This is a dog that cleans your shit. His name is Neo, he’s like a Matrix puppy from some kind of janitor Matrix!
What more could you ask for? No longer are you burdened by having to get up off the easy-boy chair and carry your crushed cans of Coors (and/or Bud) Light all the way to the recycling bin. Or if you’re a real monster, the regular garbage.
But really, this is the most effective anti-littering campaign I’ve ever seen. Who wants to make the innocent little puppy do dirty work, pushing his little cart on his little legs with his little broom. Aww he so little.
He should be hired to appear on Hoarders , then the ratings would really fly.
Now available in Otter:
Let us discuss the benefits of housing a small feline in your work environment.
Why is this perfect? I will tell you. A cat does not give a shit about you. It won’t bother you while you’re working, it won’t beg you to take it for a walk moments before a client meeting, it will just be present.
They boost morale
Happy workers are better workers. Kittens evoke happiness wherever they go. How can you not feel joy when a kitten stumbles into the room, maybe chasing its own tail like a really small drunk person, but cuter and covered in fluff.
With a cat in the office, you have endless opportunities to take photos of it in compromising positions, and make your very own lolcat captions.
Cats can be tables
What’s better than a table with stuff on it? That’s right, a cat with stuff on it.
If there’s an entire website dedicated to it, like stuffonmycat.com, it must be worth doing. Daily.
Cats = the internet
We work in online, the internet is our home and playground. That being said, we have to take into consideration… The internet fucking loves cats.
MOvember is where noble men look like porn stars and pedophiles from the 70’s during the month of November, and all for a good cause. Even Yoshi is participating.
He’s feelin’ punchy and ready to punch prostate cancer right in the prostate. Here at SapientNitro Toronto, we made our own little tribute to MOvember. The girls and I tried to grow a mustaches for November but nothing is happening yet, so we relied on an iPhone app from the Cassius video to help us out a little with showing our support in the form of a ‘mo.
The Sun Bear has two names, Sun Bear and Honey Bear, both equally adorable. That sounds so cute, it just makes me wanna put honey all over myself then approach its babies.
They’re found in the tropical rainforests of Asia, and stand about 4 ft high, so they’re on the smaller side of the bear family. Even more reason to make friends with them.
Sun Bears also can’t keep their tonuges in their mouths because they use them to ram beehives. Imagine that in your ear? It could probably de-brain you if it wanted to… Remember that next time you think to yourself: “it’s only 4 feet tall and has poor vision, let’s jump on its back and see if we can ride it.”
If Winnie the Pooh was ever made into a live action production, a Sun Bear should play him.
Last season on the Bachelor with Jake, besides him setting a new record for the amount of tears that can be shed per episode, we also met Ali. Then they met each other. Then THIS went down..
Ali left, she chose work over love. And then, a network said she could be the next Bachelorette and have 25 guys vie for her attention, and Ali was all like, “fuck my job!”
Now she’s the bachelorette, and the 25 guys who met her once are all falling in love and they just know she is their future wife, they just know it!!!
Ali’s got a whole batch of goodness to chose from. Including a few local guys from Toronto! Too bad they’re such an epic embarrassment to the nation.
One guy, Derek, but with the nickname “Shooter”, decided it would be a cute idea to confess that he got his nickname due to premature ejaculation… Shooter didn’t receive a rose. If I were in Ali’s shoes, I’d boot myself off the show, or at least ask for a do-over in the casting.
…Because this was the front cover of the newspaper this morning.
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